The Emotional Journey of Life Transitions & Finding Support When We Need It Most
When life changes, we are launched into a transition! This post explores the crucial distinction between external changes (events in the world) and internal transitions (our psychological response), to help you navigate difficult times with greater awareness and find the support you need most.
On an ordinary day in April 2008, my phone rang at about 2pm. My dad was on the line with a shaky voice. It was evident how much effort it was taking to control his devastation enough to be able to get the words out. Words that no one ever wants to hear. At that moment my whole world began to spin. I felt like I was free falling down a bottomless pit. The life I'd been living just moments before, suddenly felt like a distant memory. My brain was racing, my stomach was in knots and all I could think about was what needed to be done immediately.
Whether your change came as a shock like mine, or you've been planning a major shift for months, you've likely discovered that whilst the external change may happen quickly, the emotional transition—the internal journey of letting go, adapting, and rebuilding—is often the hardest and longest part of any life transition.
If you're reading this, you might be dealing with job loss, illness, divorce, death of a loved one, or any number of changes that have turned your world upside down. Or perhaps you're navigating a planned change like retirement, career shift, or relocation that's proving more emotionally complex than expected.
It is my hope that this post will validate what you are feeling and help you understand why transitions are so emotionally challenging, and most importantly, how to find the support you need to navigate this difficult time.
Change vs. Transition
Before diving into the emotional landscape of life transitions, it's essential to understand a fundamental distinction that William Bridges made: the difference between "change," an external event, and "transition," the internal psychological process that follows.
Change is what happens externally in the world around us: the situational shift, the event, the circumstance that has altered our life. It's concrete, observable, and can happen quickly. Things like: Losing a job, a medical diagnosis, death of a loved one, getting married, moving house or having a child.
Transition, on the other hand, is what happens internally within us in response to the external change - the internal psychological process. It's the emotional and psychological work of letting go of the old way of being, finding meaning in the change, and eventually embracing a new chapter of life.
This distinction matters because whilst changes can happen suddenly, transitions take time. It's important to acknowledge that the psychological reorientation that we need to go through to come to terms with the new situation is often more challenging than the external change itself. This is where the work is.
And of course not all change is created equally, and although the transition journey can be challenging in all cases, the intensity and the psychological impacts can be very different depending on whether the change was planned or unplanned.
Planned changes are external changes we've chosen and prepared for like changing careers, getting married, having children, moving to a new city, or retiring. With these planned events, there is some sense of control over timing and the process and there is a chance to prepare and perhaps even put support in place. But, even the most positive of planned changes can launch us into a transition process because they still involve loss and uncertainty and our inner system will still have to come to terms with our new reality - be it our new identity as a parent or adjusting to a new culture in a new workplace.
Unplanned changes are external changes that happen without warning or choice: redundancy, illness, death of a loved one, natural disasters, or relationship breakdown. The sudden nature of these changes can make the internal transition process particularly challenging as there is no chance to prepare and the whole thing comes as a shock. Which also means that "normal life" - consisting of daily routines, future plans and assumptions and expectations about who we are and what we are up to - is completely upended.
The internal transition following these sudden changes often begins with a period of disbelief or denial, as our psychological systems work to process the reality of the new external circumstances.
The Three Stages of Transition
William Bridges identified three distinct stages that characterise the internal psychological journey following any significant external change. Understanding these stages and recognising where we are as we experience a transition process can help to normalise the experience and guide our expectations.
Stage 1: Ending
Every transition begins with an ending (even when the external change is wanted and appears positive). This psychological stage starts shortly after an actual ending or change - that moment when something has come to an end or has been lost, and life is no longer as it used to be.
At this stage our system is trying to make sense of what has happened and learning that what was before can no longer be. Something has irreversibly changed and with it a whole host of other things too, like our former identity, routines, relationships, or assumptions about life. As the familiar and certain has now been lost, it's very common to experience: grief (even for positive changes), resistance to accepting the new reality, nostalgia for "how things used to be", anxiety about what comes next and a sense that part of our identity has been lost.
Stage 2: The Neutral Zone
The neutral zone represents the liminal space between the old way of being and the new beginning. The term 'neutral zone' is a little misleading because this phase is anything but neutral. In fact it's characterised by confusion, uncertainty, and often significant emotional turbulence as our internal world reorganises itself in response to the external change. This phase typically brings: feeling lost or confused about our identity, difficulty making decisions, emotional ups and downs and questioning our purpose, values and priorities.
This is a very uncomfortable stage and takes a long time to navigate, but it's a crucial stage in the process, because the neutral zone is where the real psychological work of transition happens. It's where we develop new perspectives, discover hidden strengths, and begin to formulate our new sense of self.
Stage 3: New Beginnings
The final stage of internal transition involves embracing a new chapter of life with renewed energy and clarity. This isn't simply about accepting the external change, but about having developed a new internal sense of purpose and identity that incorporates the change that happened. You may notice: renewed sense of purpose and direction, increased energy and motivation, new understanding of our values and priorities, feeling more authentic and aligned, readiness to take on new challenges and feel an integration of lessons learned from the transition.
It’s important to note that new beginnings cannot be forced or rushed. They emerge naturally from successfully navigating the psychological work of the first two stages. Rushing through the discomfort of the transition process will rob you of valuable opportunities for growth and self-realisation, so be patient.
Transitions are Challenging
This is because when change happens, everything we thought we knew about our lives gets turned upside down:
Our sense of control over our lives is challenged, especially when the change is sudden and unplanned. The future we'd envisioned is gone and we can't predict what comes next and we have no power to undo what has happened. So, it's natural to feel sad, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, confused and powerless.
And even with planned changes that we choose and plan for, we often discover we can't control how we'll feel once we get to the new situation or how smoothly things will go, which can be surprisingly unsettling. It’s very common for example for people to decide to become parents and once the baby arrives, really struggle with the new reality of their lives.
We don't know who we are anymore. When we lose our job, we might wonder 'if I'm not a teacher/manager/nurse, then who am I?' When someone dies, we might feel lost without our role as their partner or child or carer.
Also, major life changes, especially the unexpected ones, tend to force us into an ‘existential review process’, which means we start to take stock of our whole life, evaluating and questioning everything, from our values and self-worth to our life’s purpose or even our very existence. During this process our whole sense of self and identity is uncertain and up for questioning. This can be very uncomfortable and experiencing an existential crisis during a major transition is common.
Nothing makes sense the way it used to. The way things were and what we anticipated for our day-to-day as well as our future and all our beliefs and assumptions that guided our decisions, no longer apply. It’s confusing to know what to do next and given the overwhelming surge of emotions that we experience, there is often little clarity and it’s normal to feel lost.
Our relationships change too. People around us might not understand what we're going through. Some friendships might fade whilst others deepen. Family dynamics can shift. Sometimes we feel like we're speaking a different language from everyone else. Adding to that the fact that as a society we consider many topics uncomfortable or taboo and we avoid talking about them openly, means that many people don’t know how to react when someone they know has experienced a major life change. For example, it’s a very common experience for people who are grieving a loss to suddenly find themselves rather alone and isolated because other people feel awkward or uncomfortable to be around them.
Finding Emotional Support
When we're deep in the psychological work of letting go and rebuilding, it's common to feel disconnected from others who haven't experienced what we're going through. Yet this is precisely when support matters most - both from professionals who understand the transition process and from family and friends who care about our wellbeing.
Professional Support Options
Professional support during these very challenging times can be extremely helpful in supporting us to process our emotions and gain more clarity about what has happened and how to proceed.
Life Transition Coaching: Specialised coaches trained in supporting people going through transitions can help you navigate the psychological aspects of change with greater self-awareness and intentionality.
Counselling or Psychotherapy: Particularly valuable for processing grief, trauma, or complex emotions associated with major life changes.
Support Groups: Connecting with others experiencing similar transitions can reduce isolation and provide a supportive community as well as practical coping strategies.
Please note: Major life changes can cause depression or anxiety or sometimes both. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety for more than a few weeks and it's impacting your day-to-day function, speak to your doctor and consider professional therapeutic support from an experienced therapist.
Support from Friends and Family
While professionals can provide specialist support, the people already in your life can offer invaluable support in different ways. The key is being intentional about who you turn to for what kind of help. Some people are natural listeners who can hold space for your emotions, whilst others are practical problem-solvers who excel at logistics and tasks. Others might be the ones who can make you laugh or simply provide comforting company when everything feels overwhelming. Being specific about what you need makes it easier for people to support you effectively. Most people genuinely want to help but often don't know how, so clear communication about your needs benefits everyone. For example, if you need someone to listen without giving advice, or help with childcare, or someone to bring you food and keep you company - ask for it specifically.
And remember asking for support is a gift to the other person because you are giving them an opportunity to be there for you in your time of need. Change is a normal part of life and we all have our peaks and throughs. Today you need support and tomorrow the roles may well be reversed and you will be the one providing the support. So, ask with ease and receive with grace.
Supporting Others Through Transitions
If someone in your life is navigating a significant change, remember that they're simultaneously managing both external practicalities and internal psychological work:
Do:
Listen without trying to fix or solve
Acknowledge that transitions take time
Offer specific, practical help
Check in regularly, even months after the initial change
Be patient and respect their process and timeline
Don't:
Minimise their experience: Avoid saying things like "everything happens for a reason" or "at least you..." These phrases dismiss the legitimate difficulty of their internal transition work.
Offer advice: most people need to be heard and they don't need you to fix it for them. Unsolicited advice sends the signal that you know better than them what they need, which undermines their agency and they will not thank you for it.
Embracing the Journey
Experiencing an internal transition following external change is a natural psychological process that honours the significance of what you've experienced. The goal isn't to rush through the transition, but to navigate it with awareness, support, and self-compassion. As difficult as the experience is, this is also an opportunity for personal growth and realigning with who you truly are.
Your external circumstances may have changed suddenly, but your internal transition will unfold at its own pace. Trust the process, seek the support you need, and remember that on the other side of this challenging internal work lies the possibility of a richer, more authentic life than you had before.
On that terrible day in April of 2008 when the phone rang, my father, fighting through tears, told me that my cousin and closest friend had died in a car accident. As I heard him utter the unthinkable, the room started to spin and I was free-falling. Immediately after the call, there was a period of heightened action - thinking what needs to be done right now and coming together to grieve as a family. But my internal crash happened some weeks after when I finally returned to my own flat and found myself deep in the pit of a very dark hole of depression. That's when my real journey, the internal transition of learning to live with this new reality, began. A journey that took years, shook me to the core of my very being and had me questioning the purpose of my very existence. At the time I didn't have the support that I really needed. In fact I didn't even know that this kind of support even existed or how to access it and I wish I did. That incredibly difficult experience showed me just how isolating and overwhelming transitions can be when you're navigating them alone. And that’s exactly why I've chosen life transitions as my speciality and why I'm passionate about using my Clean Language skills to support people through these challenging times - helping them find their own resources and navigate the change with greater clarity and confidence.
References
Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes (Revised 25th Anniversary Edition). Da Capo Lifelong Books.
If you are experiencing a transition and feeling lost and confused, Clean Language coaching could help you make sense of your experience, access your inner resources and gain clarity about the next steps. If you’d like to know more about how I could support you, I offer a free 30 minute discovery call and would be happy to answer your questions. If this is relevant to someone you know, please share it with them.